Australian radio - This is absolutely hilarious

This actually happened....

Just imagine sitting in traffic on your way to work and hearing this.

Many Sydney folks DID hear this on the FOX FM morning show in Sydney.

The DJs play a game where they award winners great prizes.

The game is called "Mate Match". The DJs call someone at work and ask if they are married or seriously involved with someone.

If the contestant answers "yes", he or she is then asked 3 random yet highly personal questions.

The person is also asked to divulge the name of their partner (with phone number) for verification.

If their partner answers those same three questions correctly, they both win the prize.

One particular game, however, several months ago made the City of Big Shoulders drop to its knees with laughter and is possibly the funniest thing heard yet.

Anyway, here's how it all went down:

DJ: "Hey! This is Ed on FOX-FM. Have you ever heard of 'Mate Match'?"

Contestant: (laughing) "Yes, I have." DJ: "Great! Then you know we're giving away a trip to the Gold Coast if you win. What is your name?

First only please."

Contestant: "Brian."

DJ: "Brian, are you married or what?"

Brian: "Yes."

DJ: "Yes? Does that mean you're married or you're what?"

Brian: (laughing nervously) "Yes, I am married." DJ: "Thank you. Now,

what is your wife's name? First only please."

Brian: "Sara." DJ: "Is Sara at work, Brian?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Stay with me here, Brian! Is she at work?"

Brian: (laughing) "Yes, she's at work."

DJ: "Okay, first question - when was the last time you had sex?"

Brian: "She is gonna kill me."

DJ: "Brian! Stay with me here!"

Brian: "About 8 o'clock this morning."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian." Brian: (laughing sheepishly) "Well..."

DJ: "Question #2 - How long did it last?"

Brian: "About 10 minutes."

DJ: "Wow! You really want that trip, huh? No one would ever have said that if a trip wasn't at stake."

Brian: "Yeah, that trip sure would be nice."

DJ: "Okay. Final question. Where did you have sex at 8 o'clock this morning?"

Brian: (laughing hard) "I, ummm, I, well..."

DJ: "This sounds good, Brian. Where was it at?"

Brian: "Not that it was all that great, but her mom is staying with us for a couple of weeks..."

DJ: "Uh huh..."

Brian: "..and the Mother-In-Law was in the shower at the time."

DJ: "Atta boy, Brian."

Brian: "On the kitchen table.

"DJ: "Not that great?? That is more adventure than the previous hundred times I've done it. Okay folks, I will put Brian on hold, get this wife's work number and call her up. You listen to this."

3 minutes of commercials follow.

DJ: "Okay audience; let's call Sarah, shall we?" touch
tones.....ringing....

Clerk: "Kinko's."

DJ: "Hey, is Sarah around there somewhere?"

Clerk: "This is she."

DJ: "Sarah, this is Ed with FOX-FM. We are live on the air right now and I've been talking with Brian for a couple of hours now."

Sarah: (laughing) "A couple of hours?"

DJ: "Well, a while now. He is on the line with us. Brian knows not to give any answers away or you'll lose. Sooooooo... do you know the rules of 'Mate Match'?

Sarah: "No"

DJ: "Good!"

Brian: (laughing)

Sarah: (laughing) "Brian, what the hell are you up to?"

Brian (laughing) "Just answer his questions honestly, okay? Be completely honest."

DJ: "Yeah yeah yeah. Sure. Now, I will ask you 3 questions,Sarah. If your answers match Brian's answers, then the both of you will be off to the Gold Coast for 5 days on us.

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Alright. When did you last have sex, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Oh God, Brian....uh, this morning before Brian went to work."

DJ: "What time?" Sarah: "Around 8 this morning."

DJ: "Very good. Next question. How long did it last?"

Sarah: "12, 15 minutes maybe."

DJ: "Hmmmm That's close enough. I am sure she is trying to protect his manhood. We've got one last question, Sarah. You are one question

away from a trip to the Gold Coast. Are you ready?"

Sarah: (laughing) "Yes."

DJ: "Where did you have it?"

Sarah: "OH MY GOD, BRIAN!! You didn't tell them that, did you?"

Brian: "Just tell him, honey."

DJ: "What is bothering you so much, Sarah?"

Sarah: "Well..."

DJ: Come on Sarah.....where did you have it?

Sarah: "Up the arse....."

After a long pause, the DJ said, "Folks, we need to take a station break"

 

Cheers Graham!!....have just burst out laughing in my office...colleagues now peering anxiously round my door.

...also from the Yahoo Gameplan Group.

Q - What do you call an Australian holding a bottle of champagne
after the ashes?

A - Waiter


The Great Britain bobsleigh team have asked that the Australian
cricket team not to leave the country immediately but attend a
dinner in their honour this weekend - they want to ask their advice
about going downhill so fast


Q: What's the Australian cricket team and a round pin electrical
plug got in common?

A: They're both useless in England


An Australian schoolteacher explains to her class that she supports
the Australian cricket team. She asks her students to raise their
hands if they too support the Australian cricket teams. Everyone in
the class raises their hand except one little girl.

The teacher looks at the girl with surprise and says: "Janie, why
didn't you raise your hand?" "Because I don't support the Australian
cricket team," she replied. The teacher, still shocked,
asked, "Well, if you are not a fan of the Australian cricket team,
then who are you a fan of?"

"I am an England fan and proud of it," Janie replied.

The teacher could not believe her ears. "Janie, why pray tell are
you an England fan?"

"Because my mum is an England fan, and my dad is an England fan, so
I'm an England fan too!" "Well," said the teacher in an obviously
annoyed tone, "That is no reason for you to be an England fan. You
don't have to be just like your parents all of the time. What if
your mum was an idiot and your dad was idiot, what would you be
then?". "Then," Janie smiled, "I'd support the Australian cricket
team."

Two women who had been friends for years, decided to go for a Girls Night Out, and were decidedly over-enthusiastic on the martinis. Incredibly drunk and walking home, they needed to use the bathroom. They were very near a cemetery and one of them suggested they whiz behind a headstone.

The first woman had nothing to dry herself with so she thought She'd take off her panties, use them, then throw them away. Her friend, however, was wearing rather expensive underwear and didn't want to ruin hers, but was lucky to salvage a large ribbon from a wreath that was on one of the graves. She dried herself with the ribbon.

After finishing, they then made off for home.

The next day the first woman's husband phoned the other husband and said, "This girls night out thing has got to stop right now. My wife came home last night without her panties."

"That's nothing." said the other husband, "Mine came home with a card stuck to her ass that said,

"FROM ALL OF US AT THE FIRE STATION, WE'LL NEVER FORGET YOU."

A man and his young wife were in divorce court, but the custody of their children posed a problem.

The mother leaped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The man also wanted custody of his children, so the judge asked for his justification.

After a long silence, the man slowly rose from his chair and replied...

"Your Honor, when I put a dollar in a vending machine and a Coke comes out, does the Coke belong to me or the machine?"
 


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Bob and Jane were married 25 years. When they first got married Bob said, "I am putting a box under the bed. You must promise never to look in it."

In all their 25 years of marriage Jane never looked. However, on the afternoon of their 25th anniversary curiosity got the best of her and she lifted the lid and peeked inside. In the box were 3 empty beer cans and $1371.75 in cash. She closed the box and put it back under the bed. Now that she knew what was in the box, she was doubly curious as to why.

That evening they were out for a special dinner. After dinner Jane could no longer contain her curiosity and she confessed, saying, "I am so sorry. For all these years I kept my promise and never looked into the box under our bed. However today the temptation was too much and I gave in. But now I need to know why do you keep the empty cans in the box?"

Bob thought for a while and said, "I guess after all these years you deserve to know the truth. Whenever I was unfaithful to you I put an empty beer can in the box under the bed to remind myself not to do it again."

Jane was shocked, but said, "I am very disappointed and saddened but I guess after all those years away from home on the road, temptation does happen and I guess that 3 times is not that bad considering the years."

They hugged and made their peace. A little while later Jane asked Bob, "Why do you have all that money in the box?" Bob answered, "Whenever the box filled with empties, I cashed them in."




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A 60 year old woman came home one day and heard strange noises in her bedroom.

She opened the door and discovered her 40 year old daughter playing with her vibrator.

"What are you doing?" asked the mom.

"Mom, I am 40 years old and look at me. I am ugly. I will never get married so this is pretty much my husband."

The mother walked out of the room, shaking her head.

The next day the father came home and heard noises in the bedroom and upon entering the room found his daughter using the vibrator.

"What the hell are you doing?" he asked.

His daughter replied, "I already told mom, I am 40 years old now and ugly. I will never get married so this is as close as I'll ever get to a husband."

The father walked out of the room shaking his head too.

The next day the mother came home to find her husband with a beer in one hand, and the vibrator in the other hand, watching the football game.

"For Christsakes, what are you doing?" she cried.

The husband replied "What does it look like I'm doing? I'm having a beer and watching the game with my new son-in-law!"

20 WAYS TO MAINTAIN A HEALTHY LEVEL OF INSANITY

1. At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on and point a hair dryer at passing cars. See if they slow down.

2. Page yourself over the intercom. Don't disguise your voice.

3. Every time someone asks you to do something, ask if they want fries with that.

4. Put your garbage can on your desk and label it "IN".

5. Put decaf in the coffee maker for 3 weeks. Once everyone has gotten over their caffeine addictions, switch to espresso.

6. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for smuggling diamonds".

7. Finish all your sentences with "in accordance with the prophecy".

8. Don't use any punctuation.

9. As often as possible, skip rather than walk.

10. Order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat - with a serious face.

11. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go".

12. Sing along at the opera.

13. Put mosquito netting around your work area and play tropical sounds all day at work.

14. Go to a poetry recital and ask why the poems don't rhyme.

15. Five days in advance, tell your friends you can't attend their party because you're not in the mood.

16. Have your co-workers address you by your wrestling name, Rock Bottom.

17. When the money comes out the ATM, scream "I won! I won!"

18. When leaving the zoo, start running towards the parking lot yelling, "run for your lives, they're loose!!"

19. Tell your children over dinner "due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go."

20. And the final way to keep a healthy level of insanity..........................

E-mail this to someone to make them smile. It's called therapy.

Ways to Freak out your Roomate
1. Smoke ballpoint pens.

2. Smile -- All the time

3. Always flush the toilet three times.

4. Listen to radio static.

5. Open your window shades before you go to sleep each night. Close them as soon as you wake up.

6. Whenever you go to sleep, starts jumping on your bed . . . do so for a while, then jump really high and act like you hit your head on the ceiling. Crumple onto your bed and fake like you were knocked out . . . use this method to fall asleep...every night for a month.

7. Whenever his/her parents call and ask for your roommate, breathe into the phone for 5 seconds then hang up.

. 8.Fake a heart attack. When your roommate gets the paramedics to come, pretend nothing happened.

9. Whenever the phone rings, get up and answer the door

10.Whenever someone knocks, answer the phone.

11. Spend all your money on Transformers. Play with them at night. If your roommate says anything, tell him/her with a straight face, "They're more than meets the eye."

12. Get some hair. Disperse it around your roommate's head while he/she is asleep. Keep a pair of scissors by your bed. Snicker at your roommate every morning.

13. Trash your room when your roommates not around. Then leave and wait for your roommate to come back. When he/she does, walk in and act surprised. Say, "Uh-oh, it looks like THEY were here again."

14. Every time you see your roommate yell, "You son of a..." and kick him/her in the stomach. Then buy him/her some ice cream.

15. Set your roommate's bed on fire. Apologize and explain that you've been watching too much Beavis and Butthead. Do it again. Tell him/her that your not sorry because this time they deserved it.

16. Eat lots of MnM's. Pick out all the blue ones and stockpile them in the closet. If your roommate inquires, explain that visitors are coming, but you can't say anything more, or you'll have to face the consequences.

17. Draw a tiny, black spot on your arm. Make it bigger every day. Look at it and say, "It's spreading, it's spreading!"

18. Buy a McDonald's Happy Meal for lunch every day. Eat the straw and the napkin. Throw everything else away.

19. Buy a plant. Sleep with it at night. Talk to it. After a few weeks, start to argue with it loudly. Then yell, "I can't live in the same room with you," storm out of the room and slam the door. Get rid of the plant, but keep the pot. Refuse to discuss the plant ever again.

20. Buy a Jack-In-The-Box. Every day, turn the handle until the clown pops out. Scream continuously for twenty minutes.

21. If your roommate comes home after midnight, hit him/her on the head with a rolling pin. Immediately go to bed, muttering, "Ungrateful little..."

22. Pile dirty dishes in your roommate's bed. Insist that you don't know how they got there.

23. Collect hundreds of pens and pile them on one side of the room. Keep one pencil on the other side of the room. Laugh at the pencil.

24. While your roommate is out, glue your shoes to the ceiling. When your roommate walks in, sit on the floor, hold your head, and moan.

25. Collect potatoes. Paint faces on them and give them names. Name one after your roommate. Separate your roommate's potato from the others. Wait a few days, and then bake your roommate's potato and eat it. Explain to your roommate, "He just didn't belong."

26.Move everything to one side of the room. Ask your roommate if he/she knows how much an elephant weighs, and look at the floor on the empty side of the room with concern.

27. Practice needlepoint every night. At one point, grab your thumb and scream, "Owwwww!" Cry hysterically for a few minutes, and then go back to bed. Sob and sniff all night.

28. Every time your roommate comes in, immediately turn off the lights and go to bed. When he/she leaves, get up and loudly yell, "Okay guys, you can come out now!"

29. Sit in front of a chess board for hours, saying nothing, doing nothing. Then look up and say, "I think this game goes a lot faster with two players."

30. Talk back to your Rice Bubbles. All of a sudden, act offended, throw the bowl on the floor and kick it. Refuse to clean it up, explaining, "No, I want to watch them suffer."

31. Change the locks on the door. Don't let your roommate in unless he/she says the secret word. Change the secret word often. If your roommate can't guess the secret word, make him/her pay a tithe.

32. Scatter stuffed animals around the room. Put party hats on them. Play loud music. When your roommate walks in, turn off the music, take off the party hats, put away the stuffed animals, and say, "Well, it was fun while it lasted."

33. When you walk into the room, look at the roommate in disgust and yell, "Oh you're here!" Walk away yelling and cursing.

34. Buy a watermelon. Draw a face on it and give it a name. Ask your roommate if the watermelon can sleep in his/her bed. If your roommate says no, drop the watermelon out the window. Make it look like a suicide. Say nasty things about your roommate at the funeral.

35. Draw a chalk outline on the floor. When your roommate comes in, say, "Don't worry. It's not what you think." If he/she asks about it again, immediately change the subject.

36. Drink a cup of coffee every morning. When you finish it, gnaw on the mug for about ten minutes. Then look at your roommate, immediately put the mug away, and quickly leave the room.

37. Set up about twenty plants in an organized formation. When your roommate walks in, pretend to be in the middle of delivering a speech to the plants. Whisper to them, "We'll continue this later," while eyeing your roommate suspiciously.

38. Keep some worms in a shoe box. When doing homework, go and consult with the worms every so often. Then become angry, shouting at the worms that they're stupid and they don't know what they are talking about.

39. Wear a paper hat. Every time your roommate walks in, say, "Welcome to McDonald's, can I take your...Oh, it's just you." Take off the hat, sit, and pout.

40. Go through your roommate's textbooks with a red pen, changing things and making random corrections. If your roommate protests, tell him/her that you just couldn't take it anymore.

41. As soon as your roommate turns off the light at night, begin singing famous operas as loud as you can. When your roommate turns on the light, look around and pretend to be confused.

42.Whenever your roommate sneezes, go and hide in the closet for about an hour. Look around nervously for the rest of the day.

43. Sit and stare at your roommate for hours. Bring others in to join you. Eat peanuts, throwing a few at your roommate. Then say, "Boy, these zoos just aren't what they used to be."

44. Buy a gun. Clean it every day. One day, put a band-aid on your forehead, and refuse to discuss the gun ever again.
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